NIXON RESIGNS!

Well, if Nixon was gay and too drunk to stand unassisted.

Really though, doesn’t it look like Chimpy’s practicing for his Historic Final Prezdential Helicopter Ride Farewell Wave? Since it’ll be such a super-important Photo Legacy Moment, the word is he’s even hired several private coaches to help. Though RuPaul reportedly bowed out early, saying “I’ve done all I can – he’s just too big of a sissy. It’s too deep in him. He has this idea he’ll look like Ike or Churchill – but how can you do that while you’re swishing your hips like Betty Grable? Girl, please. Hopeless.”

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head hurty? check. tummy hurty? check. got the shits? check.

If, like me, you’ve ever spent time as a practicing alcoholic, this image needs no elaboration. It’s the pure-hell, jesus-just-get-me-the-fuck-outta-here hangover. The very worst.

Trust me, the only crisp decision Chimpy’s gonna make today is how many times to puke. And how much hair of the dog to start with.

Most alcoholics and addicts I have some empathy for. Not this one. In fact, I’m always happy to see the never-elected, murdering little fucktard looking miserable. If only his woes could be added to, by leg irons at the Hague. Or permanent relocation to Fallujah.

Breaking: You tell me if somebody’s passed him the presidential-seal flask by now.

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